Thursday, June 27, 2013


My precious Sandy and the love of her life, Jeff.  They were married for 37 years. 
Some of you know that I lost my precious daughter, Sandy, not long ago.  It's another chapter to "Going Home" really.
I have a new great granddaughter that was born just a few weeks after my Sandy's death.
It would have been Sandy's fourth grandchild..and she was anticipating the birth so much..  
I have not seen baby Ruby, but I want to go so bad.
The idea of going back to my daughter's home is so hurtful.  I will go.  I know I will, and I feel so bad that I am dreading it.  Sandy won't be at the airport to meet me as she always was.  She was always such a joy to be with, so many hugs...and she was always so proud of her children, grandchildren and her childhood sweetheart, Jeff.  She was busy fixing up her dream home and loved showing us new things she had done and sharing her plans..
Even though I have known Jeff, since his teen years and his skateboard days when he was one of the neighbohood children that lived just around the corner from us, still I dread it.  I want to see him and I know he needs us to stay close to him, and we need him..  I am trying to get past my own pain.   I have already been through it once, getting off the plane and my daughter not being there and the realization that she never would again..and it hurt so badly.
When Jeff took us to the airport to return to California, he gave me a hug, looked down at me and said "you won't come back"
"I WILL, I WILL!" I said.  " won't.  I know you won't!"   It was something I hadn't really thought about yet, but I could tell immediatly that he had.   "Jeff, you are my family, honey..and my grandchildren are here and my little great grandchildren.  Of COURSE I will come back!" I said.    But somehow, I think he knew it would end up being very difficult for me.  For all of us.  Of course it would be...and he already knew.  After we parted and my daughter and I boarded the plane, I couldn't stop crying.  My poor dear son in law.  He was in such pain and trying to hide it. 
I think of what he is going through now, what he will continue to go through for some time to come...and it hurts me.  I KNOW how he feels.  I 've been there.  The world keeps on turning and YOUR world has stopped!  His childhood sweetheart is gone..she lives in his memory..and he spends a lot of time looking at her pictures on the computer and trying to hang on to her. He is trying to keep her with him.  Sandy was a shutterbug and took thousands of pictures.   When Sandy's father, Patrick died, I did the same thing.   I tried to hang onto him.  I would get in the closet and wrap myself in his clothes..and cry.  I bought things for him.  A desk, a paper shredder, all the things he had wanted.  For nearly four years I lived like that. 
I NEED to go my daughters home.  She would want me to.   
My love to you,
I'm sorry this is not an uplifting post.   My family and I are going through a process... I don't usually talk about this..but it's what is on my mind.  What I live with every day.


  1. Yes, you will go and yes it will hurt, but her memories are in that house and you will also feel close to her when you get there. God Bless. Hugs, Marty

  2. May you find the strength to make this trip as difficult as it will be. Your happy memories will keep you safe. Blessings and Safe Travel...

  3. Jessica-Ann-Ray

    You need to go back, to see a brand new life, and Jeff. Don't let Jeff think that he has lost you too.

    You are very strong and I know that you will go and will be so happy that you did. Hurt? Sure, it will hurt deeply, just remember where Sandy is, and she is with your beloved Patrick. You have two angels watching over you. Now GO!

    Blessings, sweet friend.

    (are you giggling? I do hear you)

  4. Oh.

    So much pain here in words written and words unsaid.

    Sending you prayers of healing and peace.

    I'm so very sorry to read this.

  5. i know only too well how tough this is! go back!!! i know it will be healing for all of you. you can't hide from the pain.

  6. btw...sandy is still there i lots of ways!

  7. When you make your trip, as hard as it will be, look for the blessings. They will be there to help you.

  8. Mona, I know it's terribly hard to lose someone that you love dearly. But, your daughter would not want you to not keep in touch with her family and Jeff. She would want you to be with her children and grandchildren so they can experience your love the way she did.

    It will be hard but you can do it. Just think of those precious babies that want to see their grandma.
    Have a safe trip.

  9. oh mona , don't apologize, you need us right now, what kind of friends would we be if we couldn't be there for you, take care sweet lady, I wish there was a way to make it better,

  10. Ooohhh how I LOVE you Mona girl,
    It's awesome that you can share your feelings with all of us !! Sooo many are going through what you have done, and SOME have had to go through it more then once I'm sure !! I totally understand, and KNOW .. YES .. you will go back !! How our lives change and we just have to keep on keepin' on !! Bending in the midst of all our hurt, like you shared before !!
    Life is always changing, and we just have to stay focused and keep our hearts and mind looking heavenward !! I do believe heaven is preparing to welcome us all that believe, and there will be the BIGGEST celebration EVER someday, when we all see our family that is waiting for us there .. No more pain and suffering there .. That is my HOPE and what I try to remember in the midst of my hurting, and choking heart ... Ooohh how I love when you share from the heart xo

    Love to you my friend

  11. heart breaks for you. I can not imagine what it feels like to lose a daughter. I hope I never know. You take care of yourself....and stay close to your family. Hugs.

  12. How I wish there were words of comfort that could ease your sadness and pain, Mona. But words fail me now. Yes, I do agree that you need to return to see Jeff as painful as that seems now. He is also hurting and may need love and comfort of family as well.

  13. You can do this, Mona, because your daughter would want you to do it. She would want you to minister to her husband and share the joy that was her life with him again. Even in the pain there will be laughter and joy will hide behind every tear. We will pray you there and back when you go. God bless you- I can't imagine losing a daughter so I don't really know the depths of your pain- I can only imagine and even the thought is painful. Blessings- xo Diana

  14. I ache for you Mona . . . I love your honesty about your personal pain and loss although so sad that your heart has to be filled with such a reality. I wish I could take your sorrow and loss away . . . I know from personal experience, that nothing seems to take away this emptiness.

    The thought of going back to Sandy's home will be unimaginable, I am sure. It will happen . . . and you will know when you are ready.

    I hope that you Jeff have chances to reach out to one another.

    You are in my caring . . .

  15. Oh Mona, I am so tearful reading this post. I feel your pain but I know it's a lot more intense than that. I cannot imagine losing a child and I can just imagine how badly your SIL is hurting too. I hope you go back to them and maybe it will get easier after that. Take care, my dear friend.....Christine

  16. There is a sadness in my heart at this moment as I read this post. I feel you and Jeff's pain and really it is the painful loss for all of your family. It is hard, it hurts and you will never forget this feeling - you will go through it for a very long time, each and every time you visit. Jeff, your grandchildren and great grandchildren will cherish your visits and you will help them adjust just as you will adjust bit by bit - the pain will always be there dear Mona but you have to nourish this garden and gently help it grow . All my love and thoughts to you all and a special hug to your Howard.

  17. I think you should go sooner than later. As you say Sandy loved her family with all her heart and I think she would smile and embrace you all to see you together. My friend lost a son at 15 and the loss never goes away but she has begun to celebrate his life instead of holding onto the loss. There is a part of your daughter in each of your grandchildren and great grandchildren whether it is physical or the love she embraced them with, they need you and you need them. God bless.

  18. Mona you are still grieving deeply. Of course it will be hard to go back, but I know you will when you are ready for Sandy's sake. To hug her beautiful Jeff, and see the grandies.
    When you are ready you will go.
    Love and squishy Hugs

  19. {{Hugs}}...That's all I can do, too much emotion to have the proper words!

  20. OH Mona, I am praying for you, Jeff and all of the family! I know that it is hard to come back but just plan it and do it:) You have to see that sweet new great grandbaby! AND it sounds like Jeff really needs you to come! Have a blessed weekend and I will continue to pray for the memories to stay and the pain to dull! HUGS!

  21. Oh, Mona! So much pain...I am at a loss for words...what could anyone say? I feel so deeply for you and wish so much that you weren't going through this, but you are, and it's not just a bad dream. I do hope that you will find the strength to conquer this huge obstacle to making that journey back to visit Sandy's family and her home. I have a feeling that in spite of the tremendous, wrenching pain, you will find it cathartic to do so, but it's just a hunch. How I wish I could hug you in person, but my cyber hugs are sent with as much real emotion and empathy as I am able to to convey in these few words. Take care!!! Des xxx

  22. The first time will always be the hardest. It will never be easy but after the first trip it will get a bit easier. Your son-in-law needs you too. I am so sorry that all this has happened to you Mona but you will make it thru. God bless you!

  23. My heart aches so for you. Such pain a mother never wants to experience. To say time heals is so little to say and yet as you know from experience that is what it takes and a lot of it. When does hurt turn into precious memories? Seems it does come a little at a time. It will be hard for you to go back that first time but maybe you need to as much as they will need to see you.
    Love and prayers to you Mona.

  24. Dear Mona,
    I have tears now, for you, for Jeff.
    For all of your family.
    I am so sorry for your pain, but thank-you for sharing with us.
    I think it is the most heartfelt and honest post I have ever read.
    Big Hugs to you my friend,

  25. Oh Mona my heart goes out to you and Jeff I can't imagine the pain you must still all be grieving so...

    You have to go and see that part of Sandy that still lives on in her children and grand children when you are ready. She will be there right by your side to help you though it, I'm sure of it.

    Big hugs


  26. My prayer for you is that God will give you the desire and the strength to go see Jeff and Sandy's extended family. They need you and you need them as well. Take care of yourself, dear girl.

  27. I know it is a process, but simply get on the plane and go. You will be glad you took that step. Xox

  28. Hugs and prayers for you. So sorry about your precious loss. Praying you just get on that plane and go because you are needed, wanted and loved. Because your daughter would want you too. Because you want too. She loved you much and you loved her most. Your precious daughter.

    Roman 8:28
    God bless you
    now go!!

  29. I have no advice nor words of wisdom, but you have my prayers. I can't begin to imagine.


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