Tuesday, March 25, 2014

~FEAR, LOSS AND GROWN CHILDREN..

I've been wondering about something.  Do any of you out there with grown adult children find yourselves anxious to please?  I mean overly so.   I find it mainly with my daughters.  I fear them finding fault with me.  Of course I want to  please them, but this is some sort of real fear I have of their getting upset with me.
It's silly, I know that.  I'm still the Mom, but the times that I have felt their disapproval have been devastating to me.  I find myself being quiet ..or trying too hard to say and do the right thing. I never butt into their lives.  
Disapproval came when I remarried and it frightened me.  I am not a loner and it was four years before I even considered moving forward and making a new life for myself.
It was not pleasant.  
One of the mistakes I made was thinking since they were grown with their own grown children..that what I did would not matter to them.  It did!  I married a wonderful man and they are all fond of him..but still...
One daughter said that they, my family, should be enough for me.  

If you haven't felt like this...good!  I don't know where it's coming from but it's a very deep fear..  
This is something that began after their father died fifteen years ago.  

Morning coffee, and watching the birds.  The morning sun filters through..it's nice.  Really nice.

I have dreams constantly of being lost.  No truck, no purse, no phone, no money..nothing.  And I am among total strangers.  In a recent dream I woke screaming.  I was begging strangers to please help me find my family!  I saw a group of people sitting at a restaurant table and I thought they were my family as they were passing around pictures and laughing together.  I rushed over to them, but they were strangers..  Its the same dream over and over always in different ways.  I know it's just a dream..but I sometimes dread going to sleep for fear of those dreams.  It's silly, I know. :)
I keep thinking they will go away but they never do.  
I am a very loved Mom...so I don't understand this at all.  
It's obvious that I'm afraid of losing something.  I've had loss, but so has most everyone.
I keep trying to find reasons for these dreams...
Maybe that is why I fear my children getting upset with me.  Maybe I think I will lose them.
Who knows... 
I brought three hanging plants from the back patio to the front porch.  See the wires running down the post of the porch?  We are going to have an electrical outlet installed out there so that the fountain, Christmas lights, etc. can be plugged in without all the wires.  So much to do, so little time.  :)

I know...I'm rambling on.  I realize this is NOT the place to do this...but I am who I am.
Hmmm...now I wonder who said that?
:)
Much love,
Mona



31 comments:

  1. Oh, Sweetie! Being a parent to grown ups is harder than we thought, isn't it? There ARE no books to guide us as there were back when they were young! I have 2 daughters - 21 years apart - and 2 sons - 19 years apart. Thankfully they were all four totally supportive when I divorced their dad after 41 years of marriage. They were only critical about it taking me so long to do it!
    I surprised myslef by remarrying (eharmony!) a year later. I am thankful they all love my husband and consider him the father figure in their lives.
    However, I, too am sensitive about wanting approval from my children. WHY are we like this??? Do THEY constanly want OUR approval?? Perhaps. I feel sibling rivalry between my 2 girls and it is so hard to be the parent each child needs. No matter the age of that 'child.' My youngest daughter has 2 year old quadruplets and we have been SO involved in her life. She moved within 20 minutes of us and my oldest daughter lives further away and has an adopted daughter whom we love. Life just gets so very complicated. We, as mothers, want to be all we need to be for our children. But we must remain true to ourselves and not allow them to judge us. I guess we need more self confidence in ourselves to shrug off any criticalness they might have. Other people outside the family think we are AWESOME!! We should remember that!!!
    We are never too old to care about what others think......hopefully we are wise enough to care MORE about what WE think!!!

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  2. Dear Mona, You must have been hurt at the time you married PH if the family didn't approve. Of course you have every right to be happy,(And think of all the lawns he has mowed, and thing he has helped you shift and garage sales he has taken you to, let aloan the love he has given you.
    Some times I think people can't see that you can love and care for more than one person. Just be yourself and every one can not help but love you.
    Hugs kay

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  3. Mona your children even tho they are grown were just reacting to you choosing someone new in your life that was not their father. It was the same for me when my father died and my mother started going with new people and married a nice guy. Just part of life I guess not wanting to change. No worries and dont eat before bedtime! LOL!

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  4. Mona, being yourself is all they need...they love you as you are!!! This, I have learned....:)JP

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  5. Oh sending you hugs as I had the same type of dream last night. I think as Mom's we always wonder about things like that. It is just a dream and you are doing fine. Your children want you to be happy don't fret be happy and so will they be happy knowing and seeing you are. HUGS B

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  6. Dearest Mona....You have such a lovely heart. This comes through for all to see who read your blog where you share your feelings and your thoughts. it is so clear you adore your family and have endured great loss in your life. It's all ok. I don't think we Moms ever stop worrying about our children...are they happy? Just remember it is your life and your happiness too! Enjoy each day and remember what a blessing you are to so many!

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  7. After my Mama passed away and my Dad was ready to find a new companion, it caused problems in our Family. There was finally peace after a time:) Time heals, I have found this to be true! Your happiness is important and it sounds like you are happy! I am sure your Kids are happy that you are not alone! Enjoy your day dear Mona, BIG HUGS!

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  8. You know Mona, growing is a very important feature in life. You cannot live if you do not grow. You have lost family, you have grown past that - you simply got on with your life. Why shouldn't you be allowed to grow again, after suffering the loss of a loved one. I think someone should shake someone's ear and tell them to wake up. I cannot understand that sort of behaviour, but that's usually what happens in large families or small families - there are one or two that were so happy with "Dad" and the way things were that they don't see you moving on. Here you met PH and what a wonderful, caring, loving man. How could anyone even thing to deny you moving on and PH becoming A PART OF THE FAMILY. Is this child or children so threatened with the thought of losing your love or the family expanding that they cannot let go of the past. Do what you are doing - you have been given the opportunity to have some happiness in your life. Accept it as that and anyone that disapproves can go suck sand off a lonely beach. How could anyone deny you happiness and the ability to move on - you haven't forgotten the loved ones you have lost - they will always be a part of your life, your memories, your heart. Do these particular ones not realize the love and gentleness this wonderful man has brought back into your life, something, perhaps you thought you might never find again.....OR JUST TELL THEM TO GROW UP - the flowers in your garden, the colour and warmth in your home and the love in your heart will still grow. Love you and PH too, my "Maine" mirror man ha,ha

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  9. I am not a mom so I am not going to give my opinion on something I do not fully understand. I can comment as a child, though, since my mom and dad divorced when I was four and both remarried (my mom twice). It is difficult to think that your parents have found happiness with someone who isn't your biological mom or dad. But as I got older, I understood more and more that they weren't so different than I was and wanted companionship, love and happiness. Hopefully your kids will see that PH makes you happy and you make him happy. In any case, maybe you could talk to someone you trust about those dreams of yours. I just wish I could take them all away for you, sweet Mona. (((Hugs))), Kathy

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  10. I disapproved of my mom's second husband, but that's only because he was a schmuck that wanted her money... he thought she had LOADS of money and she did not.

    I loved my dad's second wife.

    Grown children should be 'real' about the fact that their parents are people and need to have their own life and stop judging them for it. We all need companionship at EVERY age in our life.

    Don't worry about their approval, Mona. They will always love you for who you are. xox

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  11. the psychiatrist is in 5 cents! i think the disapproval and the dreams are tied together. the dream is the is your fear played out while you sleep. funny, i don't think i have ever stopped and thought about how my kids think of me.maybe i should!

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  12. Ii wish i had words of wisdom for you, because this does sound like you need help... but from whom i don't know. we are who we are, so telling you what i think would not fit for your feelings. maybe find someone to talk to about your fears, a close friend, a pastor just someone to talk about it. i am the opposite of you so really have no clue

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  13. I think the dreams are a reaction to grief . . . loss . . . and just simply sadness. Rightfully so. Maybe too, having had a life that was filled with people around you much of the time and now a life which has become quieter and maybe lonely too that it has had an affect on you and it plays out in dreams.

    There is no doubt, from our visits, that you are loved and cherished by your children. I wonder though, with not feeling well these past weeks, if it would help to let your children know you miss them, need them . . . Everyone gets busy with their own lives . . . sometimes we need to tell our children what we need . . . even a hug, hearing their voice, helps, and for me it helps me feel less lost.

    Just another 5 cents . . .
    Hugs Mona . . .

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  14. No apologizing, for what you write in your blog. No. No. No.

    It's a good thing you live on the other side of our Beloved and Beautiful Country, from me. Or I would come right over and be very "crosssss" with you. For apologizing, about your blog. Or about anything. Tessa~ sezzzzzzz! :-)

    Hugs...

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  15. Even though you all do live all across the country, I still might make the trip, to lay that family of yours, "out in lavender," for giving you any grief, about re-marrying to this wonderful man.

    Well, each and every one of them, probably wasn't so cruel as to begrudge you later happiness... But! Those who did, deserve a "tongue thrashing," and I'm just the one to do it! I so dislike anyone picking on anyone else. And you my Dear, were picked on. By your own family. When they gave you a hard time, about remarrying a wonderful man.

    Tessa~

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  16. "Do any of you out there with grown adult children find yourselves anxious to please? I mean overly so."

    I understand the question, I do. But, I don't personally give in to it. Guess you would figure that, from the sound of me. -grin-

    But I was not always ready and willing, to do my own choosing. I grew up, a perfect little nice girl. And kept at it, for many years. Gradually, I more embraced my own mind/will.

    Luckily, I married a man, who has been able to go along with my growing/changing. Not all men could do this. I am sooooooo lucky!

    Kids... And I ..... Have had our ups and downs, over time. But these "going ballist" happenings, all pretty much smooth out. They are they, and I am me.

    Gracious, but I do ratttttttle on!!!!!! :-)

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  17. Oo-err yes Mona, I have.I fully understand where you're coming from, I really do. Thing is, we come into this life alone and we go out of it alone so we can't depend on others for everything all the time. We need to trust ourselves to do the best for ourselves, don't we. Now please don't give it another thought or dream. You have done a grand job and you are doing a grand job and you just need to keep smiling, please. p.s I am having 'granny problems' at the moment. Dare I write about it on my blog? I would love to get some opinions. You are brave to write your thoughts so openly but remember, it is your blog and you can write whatever you want on it.

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  18. Mona I want you to know my prayers are with you every night. Have a blessed day. Madeline

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  19. I had almost the same dream the other night Mona. It was before my surgery on my damaged rotator cuff...so I don't know if it had any significant meaning (I was really afraid of the anesthesia). In my dream, I was lost...no cell phone, no money...I saw some people and borrowed a phone to call my husband...and guess who answered the phone? My Dad who has been gone from this world for many years! He said that Ron wasn't there...which was a good thing....it meant that my hubby was still among the living, LOL. I'm happy that you write what you're feeling...We must be kindred souls, because I always identify with you! Love and hugs to you,
    Joyce

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  20. I don't know that I go overboard on trying to please my kids, but then I do everything I can to help them when they need it. And I can't say that I worry about them finding fault with me, because Lord knows I have my faults, but they have theirs, too. None of us are perfect. Don't be too hard on yourself, Mona. I'll bet your children love you just as you are! And PH seems to be such a sweet guy that I'm sure they have gotten over the fact you are with another man and are happy and they should be happy for you! You are entitled to every bit of happiness you can find and live your own life and it's up to them to find their own happiness and live their lives without making you feel guilty about something that isn't their business like your choosing to remarry. Take care!!

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  21. Hey Mona! After I got divorced my son really thought I had gone crazy. I was on the go all the time. I joined a car club. Started a hiking group. Started dating. Went out with my friends. I was on the go all the time but during the night I would wake up and cry. I was in so much pain. As much as I wanted the divorce and it was really the best thing for both of us, it was killing me inside. Anyway I was staying so busy I didn't see my son very much. It hurt him and one day he said if I didn't slow down I was going to go have a nervous breakdown. That's because HE THOUGHT HE KNEW WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME. I explained to him if I stopped ... then I would go crazy. I had to stay busy until the pain went away. Jay will be 33 years old in a couple of months. Most the time he stays in his place. He's the son and I'm the mother. But when he goes into that HE KNOWS BEST MODE then he starts telling me what to do and bossing me around. I think that's when kids cross the line and you really have to stand up for yourself and who you are and what YOU WANT. Children really don't want their parents to change. They find security in mom always staying the same. Great example: After my divorce my son told his wife he didn't want me going out. He wanted me to stay at home every evening like I did when I was married. So that when he felt like coming over to see me I would be there for him. His wife asked, "Don't you want your mother to be happy?" His reply was "No!" So I kinda know what you are talking about. Your children love you and always will. They just don't want you change. They want you all to themselves. That why they think that 'they should be enough' for you. But that's not enough. You know that. Big hugs!

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  22. Morning Mona, yes, I can relate wheree you are comming from when it comes to your Children. I could write a book for you, they expect us to devote our life to them and them only at times. Oh well, life does go on. You will always have me to lean on so don't you worry my friend.
    Have a super fun day with all your beautiful decorations and home.
    Barbara
    xoxo
    Florida Gal

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  23. Mona you have been a good Mother and raised your children to make you proud. They are grown with lives of their own and you have every right to enjoy your life and be happy without tearing yourself up about their approval.I am a person who does not beat around the bush and says things straight out.... so it is in fact it is selfish of them to make you feel this way. My lands enjoy your life we do not know how many days we have left here so love every day and let them feel the way they do. Love you :)

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  24. When I read this I had to think for a bit. My Dad died when Mom was 50. She still had my youngest brother in high school and another brother in college. She worked 3 jobs but invested well and traveled and continued with life..but she never remarried. She's now 87 and still in good health. I had to think how I would have felt if she had remarried. I'm sure it would have been weird..my Dad was larger than life to us kids (6 of us). A really great guy. But no matter what Mom would have done, I love her. I can't imagine cutting her out of my life and I'm sure your kiddos wouldn't think of it either. You married a wonderful man...they are lucky to have him and you still in their lives. Mom dated a few men that I was nervous she would marry....one in particular was somebody I would have had a hard time with. Since she never did, I guess I can't really answer your questions. But as an older adult now..I was 23 when Dad died, I think you need to live your life with people in it that you love. We have the capacity to love in huge amounts! I'm betting that if the situations were in their laps, they would probably remarry again too. Our grown kids are not always enough family for us...not when they are at home all cozy and happy and we're alone waiting for the next visit or phone call. Take it easy on yourself and just enjoy your life. They aren't going anywhere! P.S...as always your yard is a garden of Eden!

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  26. We all want and need approval. Been sitting here thinking of what you said and how I would feel.

    The dreams are interesting. I'm a believer that our dreams are an extension of something that is bothering, or preying on our sub-conscious. When you come to terms with your fear of loss, I believe the dreams will end. I would consider, if I were you, getting professional help, to talk it out and let go of what is really bothering you.

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  27. Mona, you never, ever have to apologize for going on a rant because we all do care for you and your feelings. I don't have any advice to offer, other than to be yourself, which I think you already are...and as far as the approval of family, that seems like it could be connected with your dreams/nightmares, but I don't know what advice to offer

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